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12 December 2018 | Story Mothepane Lebopo

The door closed. My eyes opened.

My dreams were halted as I sat up. She was already outside my window, the midnight moonlight lit her skin and erasing my fingertips on her arms. I opened the window… cold truth blew in. It stung my heart. She was going.

“Seriously? After four months this is how you are going to leave?”

Silence.

She was trying to control her breathing, to keep it as flat as possible. She had a unique, annoying gift of being able to compose herself in such situations, especially when she knew it was needed.

She stared at me.

My heart was pounding against my chest. In anger. In desperation. It had settled on her, but clearly she wouldn’t let me get close to hers.

I felt the first tear roll down my cheek. I quickly wiped away the second one. She just stared…

She could have been looking at me, thinking of other things. With her you never knew. She turned.

“Wait, please wait. Did you ever love me?”

She stuck her tongue out and left.

And I knew that was it: we were over. Thinking back, I might have known for a while that it was coming. But still… being prepared for something doesn’t guarantee your heart won’t break when it actually happens.

I left the window open, slightly. My head was spinning and my heart was tearing.

I laid on what was supposed to be our bed and dug my head in a pillow in an attempt to block out reality. It was useless; warm liquid from my broken heart poured out through my eyes. All I could smell was her.

But what was I expecting? It could never work. We were two puzzle pieces from different sets. Two pieces that were never supposed to fit… We tried to force it, and it ended in pain.

She was such an odd person. She had this ‘forbidden love’ thing about her. Being hers was strange, I knew she wasn't mine but I still tumbled head over heels. Being with her was like cheating on a diet. Or texting when you’re supposed to study.

She had beautiful, wild eyes that had perhaps seen too much. She got high on other people’s vulnerability. When her arms locked around me, she wasn’t just holding me, she was searching for pain. Insecurity. She would pin me down and kiss my nose. When she felt my guard coming up, she would tickle me and my power would leave me and enter her. She always won.

Often we’d try to watch the stars. I could never concentrate, her beauty was fierce and demanded undivided attention. She couldn’t focus either. She looked at the stars, not for their beauty, but for adventure. She looked at them as a guide.

I felt her hot blood in her embrace, she had to move to keep cool. There was rarely a still moment. Always dancing. Always moving.

I guess that’s what attracted me to her. I made her my adventure. I wanted to see what she had seen. I told her I was happy where I was but in reality I wanted to go everywhere she went. Wherever the stars would take her.

My lips only met hers when she was drunk. Perhaps she didn’t want to remember showing a little bit of emotion, being a bit vulnerable in front of me. But even then she rarely shared her thoughts with me.

So her secrets are still with her, while she knows mine.

That wild girl, may I never hold her again. She said she didn’t like it. She wanted to feel liberated. And my arms didn’t offer her that.

The girl with a storm in her heart had started a fire in mine and left.

I look out the window, where she had been standing. I almost smiled. What was I thinking?  Thinking I could fix her? Whether I love her or hate her, it makes no difference because she’s not here. She’s not coming back.

I will never know what exactly she wanted with me. But I’ll grow wiser from this.

You can’t teach someone who’s power hungry to surrender. You can’t mould someone who despises being held. You can’t put out a wild fire. Don’t try to pick wild flowers, because their thorns will pierce your skin and then they will wither because of your blood. But their scent will linger forever.

Now I know. You can’t tame someone who is wild. You shouldn’t offer your heart to someone who has sold her soul to adventure.

Don’t try to love someone who can’t be still.

 

News Archive

Inaugural lecture: World on verge of agricultural revolution
2008-05-19

A changing economic climate and new technology will see to a number of interesting changes in the livestock industry in the next few years. This is according to Prof. Frikkie Neser of the Department of Animal and Wildlife and Grassland Sciences, who delivered his inaugural lecture at the UFS on the subject: “The quest for a superior animal”.

Prof. Neser focused on the future of animal breeding in the next few decades.

He said the world, but especially South Africa, stand on the verge of a revolution in the agriculture sector. The whole production scenario will probably change. The high fuel and food prices are the two biggest factors that will play a role.

“Increasing fuel prices opened the door for the production of bio-fuel. The fuel industry is in direct competition with humans and the livestock industry for the same resource that result in unbelievable high prices for maize, sunflower and soya. These prices can further increase with the worldwide shortage of food,” he said.

More profitable breeds could take the place of existing breeds because of the big increase in input costs, he said. “Selection for more effective, and not maximum production, will became more important.

“There are also indications of pressure on feed lots. If this industry downsizes, it could lead to a total turnaround in the beef industry. The feed lots prefer a later maturing animal that can put on a lot of weight before fat is laid down. If this industry declines, early maturing breeds and some of the synthetic breeds, as well as crossbreeding with early maturing breeds, will play a more prominent role in the meat industry.

“This will also lead to a decline in the total number of animals in order to prevent overgrazing. This can result in an increase in imports from neighbouring countries and especially Brazil, where production costs are much lower.

“One way to increase the profitability of meat production is to utilise niche markets. There is world-wide a shift to more natural products. The demand for grass-fed beef drastically increased. According to research it is healthier than meat from feed lots and usually free of hormones and antibiotics. If factors such as traceability are put in place, this could be a very profitable niche mark for the South African meat industry,” he said.

Prof. Neser also said: “In order for breeding societies to survive they need to increase the number of members and the animals that are being registered. This they do by replacing the word stud with recorded animals. Hereby they open the door for excellent commercial animals to become part of the seed-stock industry. Another benefit is that especially in the smaller breeds more information becomes available, resulting in more accurate breeding values.”

Prof. Frikkie Neser.

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