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08 February 2022 | Story Nombulelo Shange | Photo Andre Damons
Romantic love is important and revolutionary and a crucial rebellion when done in a way that is genuine and does not cause pain, writes Nombulelo Shange, Lecturer in the Department of Sociology at the UFS, and Chairperson of the University of the Free State Women’s Forum.

Opinion article by Nombulelo Shange, Lecturer in the Department of Sociology at the University of the Free State and Chairperson of the University of the Free State Women’s Forum.

Twenty-first-century dating is a nightmare; trying to find the perfect partner can feel like an extreme sport that will literally end you. Dating apps such as Grindr, Bumble, and Tinder are supposed to make finding a partner easier in the stressful modern world, but they add a deeper layer of complexity that turns unsuspecting lovestruck users into sacrificial lambs when they enter the sea of serial cheaters and broken people who flood the apps. All of this is a giant mess that has been made worse by the COVID-19 pandemic, where going out on a date can be a death sentence. 

 

But even with that said, romantic love is important and revolutionary and a crucial rebellion when done in a way that is genuine and does not cause pain. Considering an interpersonal phenomenon such as love as revolutionary is unusual, but when you consider historical events that politicised love and still have an impact on the ways we live today, one realises that love is one of the most important, relatively accessible acts of rebellion needed to undo some of the injustices of the past. The beauty of love is that it is more within our reach as individuals, compared to other grander revolutionary actions such as free education and land expropriation, which require mass action from citizens or big policy shifts and action from structures such as the state, judiciary, and even the profit-driven private sector. Love as a revolution does not rely as heavily on the slow bureaucracies of institutions, which are unwilling to adequately address injustices. Love just requires individuals to make an active choice to be together and to care for each other in ways that empower the individual and the collective. But as ‘easy’ as it sounds, many struggle to find it, and even those who have it struggle to enjoy the transformation that should come with the bond that love should create. I want to argue that this is in part because of the historical politicisation of love, which has not been unlearned even though we enjoy relatively more freedoms today; instead, this politicisation of love has in some ways become ‘cultural norms’ that we blindly and unquestioningly follow, even to our own detriment.

Love and Patriarchal Culture

Discourse on love and family tends to not enjoy as much prominence in macro-institutions such as economies or states. But understanding micro-phenomena such as family, love, and relationships is important for knowing how macro-institutions work and to make sense of social life. This is in part because the socialisation we receive from our families has the potential to influence how we interact with macrostructures as active agents who influence and can be influenced by structures. Even our leaders and the decisions they make are greatly influenced by their family and community socialisation. Discourse on family started to gain dominance in the 1960s through the rise of radical feminism, which popularised slogans such as ‘the personal is political’ as a way of challenging family values, and particularly the nuclear family structure that perpetuated the oppression and at times abuse of women and children in the family, because domestic issues were not considered public concern. 

But even with this rise, discourse on love and family is still largely lacking or only confined to psychological and feminist discourse. Feminist scholar and American professor, the late Bell Hooks, is one scholar who tries to make sense of social life in relation to love, highlighting its importance and the challenges linked to it. In her 2004 book, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love, Hooks says: 

Every female wants to be loved by a male. Every woman wants to love and be loved by the males in her life. Whether gay or straight, bisexual or celibate, she wants to feel the love of father, grandfather, uncle, brother, or male friend. If she is heterosexual, she wants the love of a male partner. We live in a culture where emotionally starved, deprived females are desperately seeking male love.

She later highlights the reason for the desperation and deprivation of male love. Women and girls are taught to believe that male love and attention are more important than the love of women, while men are taught that love is a weakness. An idea that even very young children are exposed to in fairy tales, where princesses and girls are constantly seeking approval from withholding or absent fathers or need a prince saviour. Men who show genuine love to their mothers, brothers, sisters, friends, or partners risk their masculinity, because part of being ‘truly manly’ is withholding love. 

Historically Politicised Love

Hook’s analysis of love helps us to understand some of the dynamics of how the nuclear family exists, even as it marginalises women. Women are often willing to perform free labour in the home, partly because they are seeking the love they are deprived of. This labour allows their husbands, brothers, and fathers to be productive at work and reaffirms their manliness. The invisible labour performed by women in the home is what allows the workplace to exist unencumbered. In South Africa and much of the African context, this exploitation did not just happen along gender lines, it was racial too. The building of capitalism on the continent rested on the dismantling of African families and the destruction of black love. Your worth was only based on your usefulness as a servant or slave, and how you could strengthen Western structures, from family to economy or state. African men were torn from their families and sent to work in fields and mines, while black women were isolated from their children in order to raise those of white women. Even sex, an important expression of love and pleasure and a way to build families, was used as a repressive tool. It was used for ‘breeding’ slaves to be sold. Rape was used as punishment to correct defiance. Homosexual and interracial love was unthinkable and illegal because it threatened the heteronormative, Western dominance status quo.

Love as Revolutionary Action

Love is important, because it offers abstract and emotional needs such as companionship, caring, and happiness, which can spill over to other parts of life, making us better individuals. Love can also be a lifesaving, poverty-eradicating tool that creates healthier, stronger communities. The cost of living globally is becoming higher and is leading to a shrinking middle class. Having someone to share the load, a home, and resources with, means we can undo some of the challenges that push us into poverty or financial difficulty. You can improve your quality of life and come a step closer to accessing rights and a lifestyle that you might never have been able to achieve alone. For women and people of colour, love is an even more important revolutionary action, since it was never intended for us to receive because of the fear that it would disrupt the status quo that rested on our oppression. When we play the games we play, when we hurt each other instead of forming meaningful connections, we take ourselves back to the state of love deprivation that Hook talks about. This is harmful even to men, especially black men, because to live life fearful of love is to live a life of emptiness that maintains the colonial shackles that were designed for you. 

News Archive

SRC Inauguration speech: 22 January 2005
2005-01-22

Campus Head (Prof Peter Mbati). Dean of Students (Dr Natie Luyt). Deputy Director: Student Affairs and my boss (Mr. Teboho Manchu), Members of the University executive and Academic staff members, SRC members, Leaders of trade Unions and Student organizations, Distinguished guests, Ladies and gentlemen, most importantly first entering students and Parents receive my heartfelt revolutionary greetings.

Let me extend my word of appreciation to our distinguished guests for adding value and dignity to this event. Your presence here means a lot to us. Program Director what I bring here with me, assisted by facts, and is therefore just the work of my imagination. Like a love letter addressed to a sweetheart miles away, even though you do not know how she feels, what she wants to hear, and do not even know how her face looks like.

To me a speech is just an honest and intimate conversation. That is why I got into the habit of establishing a dialogue, or a debate, with my acquaintances looking at their faces and trying to persuade them of what I am telling them.

Mr. Speaker and Madam Deputy Speaker of the Student Parliament we are gathering at this ceremony, significantly few weeks after the release of grade 12 results, with the exception of those from Mpumalanga because of fraud. The Grade 12 results also show that only 18% of Black learners matriculated with exemptions, as compared to 53, 6% of white learners. This is an indication that our education system needs an overhaul.

We are also gathered here significantly a day after the management retreat held in Bloemfontein, Masselspoort. The retreat discussed, among other things, the transformation agenda, and some possible solutions to challenges we are facing now.

Most regrettably, we are gathered here when the whole world morns the victims of Tsunami tragedy. Let me therefore tore the line and convey our deepest condolences, from the last robot of my heart, to the affected families. Our hearts and thoughts will always be occupied by this horrified tragedy.

Creating a new Institution

I would submit, for purposes of debate and discussions that this Institution should strive to specialize and excel in regional rural development studies. Since our higher education, institutions in South Africa are generally weak in rural development studies. Instead, most of them tend to have an urban orientation to their programmes. Training everybody for the cities, big business and the private sector. This is a big weakness in a country with such large rural areas and population trapped in poverty, disease and ignorance.

Women’s studies

Program Director, it is only a moron who can argue against the fact that for us to reposition the institution around the regional development challenge, we need to start first with women empowerment. It is a fact that in most of our poor communities and families, it is women who withstand the worst of poverty. They are the ones who daily have to wipe tears from children who are hungry. It is women who look after the sick, the elderly, those dying from AIDS and the jobless. They are the one who have to fetch water, make fire and cook. There can therefore be no rural development studies without women studies, in particular on how to empower them and assist in the provision of basic services, so that they are relieved from some of the burdensome task of the society.

Registration Process

Mr. Speaker and Madam Deputy Speaker of the Student Parliament let me indicate that the registration is a process and not an event, so it cannot be concluded overnight. This huge process demands for people to stay calm, as there is no crisis. People should stop being excited. At the same time, no organization should use its cheap popularity and unilaterally disrupt the continuous and smooth running of the registration process at hand.

Let me strongly indicate, madam deputy speaker, that I am on record for stating that I have forgiven all those who have wronged us. I harbour no bitterness towards the protagonists of our painful and unfortunate events of the past week. And we will overcome this process not by our own devices but by the help of Almighty God and the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Concerning registration of first years, we have programs, concerning that of senior students, we have programs, regarding graduations we have programs, and concerning HIV\AIDS we have programs. So, there is no need for people to press panicking buttons.

Mr. Speaker and Madam Deputy Speaker of the Student Parliament let me be opportunistic and welcome the entire student body on Campus for the academic year 2005. May our lovely first entering students have a happy and momentous year as part of Qwaqwa Campus of University of the Free State. May your studies be fruitful and enjoyable.

Student years are generally the happiest years of your life, so please make the most of them. While you are doing, all your preparations bear in mind that University is not an opportunity, it is just creating opportunities for a person.

On behalf of SRC members, our people, our students and management members I would like to welcome you all. Even though your parents are far away, here at Uniqwa you have more brothers, more sisters and more parents. Since we will love you with the same love as if we are from one family, and I have no doubts that management members will love and care for you as if you are their own children. Should you encounter any problem while studying at the Qwaqwa Campus of University of the Free State do not hesitate to contact us at the SRC offices because we need to ameliorate any factor influencing you negatively while on campus. I wish you well in the attainment of your academic pursuit.

Senior Students: We are not faced with just a new year but another academic year where we all have to work together to achieve our common goal of building our Institution through the development of human power. I urge you to invest your whole selves in this SRC.

For quite some time now, a debate has been ranging as to, whether has there been any progress in this incorporation process, or we are just moving with no direction. This debate is important, but I hasten to add not essential. The SRC is also involved in this debate, but with definite shift in emphasis. For us it is not important to participate in the debate than it is in finding solutions for the challenges of this new chapter in the history of humankind.

To my colleagues: Comrades, we are leading this Institution with a sense of pride and duty, and I know very well that we lead men and women, students who are determined to ensure that we all reach our destination safely and on time.

I said in one of our meetings that there are more enemies on our way, more than we can imagine. I think you witnessed that during the course of this week. The excitement and unnecessary confusions caused by some confused and loosed charlatans bear testimony to my statements. We should not reveal our game plans unless we are ready to slam.

Let me also borrow from the words of the late Albert Lethuli when he said and I quote: “There remains before us the building of the new land, from the ruins of the old narrow groups, a synthesis of the rich cultural strains which we have inherited. The task is immense”. Lastly, a navy divided within its ranks will be vanquished and destroyed by the enemy, but a navy united in purpose and action, loyalty and commitment will not drawn but sail on to victory.

In conclusion, let me call upon all political structures, church denominations, developmental structures, clubs, societies and forums to put aside all their differences, ideological insinuations and forge unity towards transforming Qwaqwa Campus of University of the Free State into an institution that is seen playing vigilant role in developing students academically, politically, socially, spiritually, religiously, culturally and otherwise.

Program Director, let me end my speech by indicating that every drop of my blood is telling me that Uniqwa is my home. I firstly became a student here, I became an activist here, I became a leader here, I became a president here, I will become a graduant here and hopefully I will become an employee here. So never, doubt my commitment towards the community of this campus.

Please be informed, in a central University of Technology’s way, that if there is no UNIQWA in HEAVEN, then I am not GOING.

Let us broaden the social base.

Tello Titus Wa-Motloung President General

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